Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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