Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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