Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
