i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
