It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
