I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm passing your future prison.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
