She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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