Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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