so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
