I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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