Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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