I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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