$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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