1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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