so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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