im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
