so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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