I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
