It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
