So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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