I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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