you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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