theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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