Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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