hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
