How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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