Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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