Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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