When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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