3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
