I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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