you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
