they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize