i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
