i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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