True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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