i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize