I have demons in me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
