mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
