I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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