After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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