What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
