my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
