She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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