He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
