Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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