trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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