if you like me you must not know who I am
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
