Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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