Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
