Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Randomize
