Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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