My friends, they love my intelligence
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
