puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
