i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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