I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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