Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
