She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize