Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
