I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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