does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
