Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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