Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize