sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
