i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
