if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
